You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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