I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I understand Curling. That high.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
