I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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