you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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