There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
