I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
