Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
