His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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