Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
