Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
