Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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