I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
