I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You have to summon your inner elephant
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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