and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
