Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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