Please, let me fuck your mom
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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