What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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