remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
