A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
