How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
