How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
