My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
