Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
