The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
