she woke up with a sticky ear
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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