Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
