Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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