i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I enjoy the company of your penis
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
