they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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