When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
