Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
