i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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