it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
