Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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