i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
