My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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