I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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