Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
