Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
