life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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