Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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