I should be sponsored by Trojan
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
