I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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