I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
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