you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
