Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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