We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
