We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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