I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
