I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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