you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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