Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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