clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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