from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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