okay pat passed out under dana's car
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
