I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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